Strangers Diary - Free Diary Online

I came to a conclusion the other day that all of the drama between certain of his family members and I will not be over unless we are no longer dating.

What's worse?

I have honestly been wondering too much lately if that would not be the proper course to take.
Not to get away from the drama, mind, but because there has been a definite lack in our relationship for a while.

Neither one of us being employed has been a noticeable strain on every part of our relationship. We are constantly weighed down with worry about everything: bills, the future, tomorrow, etc.
(I'm sure there are people out there who can relate!)
It is so hard to plan things and plan for things when we don't know the big picture.

I know that ending things now would not be good for him; he's already got so much on his plate.
...but I don't know if I'd fare that poorly. Sure, I'd miss him like crazy, but I don't think my mental health would be affected.

It hasn't felt like a real relationship for a while now, anyway.

Does that mean I'm already checked out? That this is already over in some part of my brain?

A conversation needs to be had, between him and I.

Plan A failed.
Plan B failed.
Plan C is running out of time.
While it's true that there are 23 other letters in the alphabet, I'm not sure how much longer I should wait for him to get his act together.

I've talked to two different friends about our situation this weekend.
One friend agrees that I need some space between my family and I --because they are suffocating me and drowning any and all chances I have to be happy. I know that she's telling a truth; I would not have been considering moving away from them if I did not already know this.
The other friend simply thinks that I wait for Plan C to expire and then do my own thing; that he needs an actual kick in the pants to help improve the situation. She says that this situation borders on him using me.

We need to talk about what's going to happen, but the conversation needs to be had in person. That's a hard thing to do when most conversations happen over the phone.

We all have that one person we would do anything for, right? It was a long while I had a crush on someone who I felt was charming, handsome, amazing and funny. I should have known that it wasn't going to last long. I should have listened to friends that we were going to start fighting which we did and I got hurt and it took me forever to get over him. Now that I have been living my own life and we've talked a couple times, I'm afraid of going back down hill?

Sometimes I think she doesn't realise what she means to me. Because we live so far apart - because we only see each other ever so often - I worry that she doesn't understand that my heart beats for her and her alone. That when Picard described Dulcinea, she was describing the woman for whom I live and die.

Picard : She is Dulcinea, the ideal woman, the woman that Don Quixote strives for, and for whom he endures hardship after hardship. Yet he derives emotional strength from the knowledge of her existence.

Guinan : He performs deeds to prove himself worthy of her, yet feels he can never be worthy of her.

While I admit I don't go out and fight dragons for my lady, nor do I complete heroic and dramatic quests, I can not deny that the fact she is in my life is the reason I try to make so much of my life (even though I might not succeed).

She is my noon, my midnight, my talk my song. My all and my everything.

Who is she?

She is my girlfriend. Which is such a small, insignificant word for someone so wonderful and glorious. But since a better word that encompasses everything I want to say hasn't been invented, then girlfriend will have to do for now.

She is my Dulcinea - my lady love. And someone I will write about a little more in the future.

When people laugh at me, I have to take a lot of time and mental energy to convince myself not to take my own life. I face this constant battle on the regular, and I am grateful that I am alive and still fighting.

I see all these entries about people who are heart broken and sad over another person. Other people don't bring you happiness! You were born with happiness and are programmed to be unhappy or find false happiness and don't even know it. you can not truly love based on attachment. Drop all your false illusions of happiness and you will learn to love everyone without being attached and know that you can move on without this person you think you can not be without. I understand being upset about life sometimes but just know that only you can bring your own happiness not other people or things. Move on and free your minds!

Last night, he broke down with tears in my arms and told me not to leave him behind b/c of his family. I felt confused as i didnt cry b/c I was hurt by his family but I just felt distant whenever he drinks. Ironically, he made me felt closer than ever to him last night. Im glad I was physically there at that moment; just to hold him tightly in silent. I don't know what was said that gave him pain and i wont ask until he feels he's able to share it with me. I'm very happy i felt our emotional connection; something I've been looking for in our relationship.

All I can think about is him. He started texting me back after I called him a jerk for ignoring his needy friend. I picture him laying back on those blue sheets and smiling when he responds. I remember every moment that we talked on webcam like it was yesterday. It's been five years. Why can't I move on?

We broke up 5 years ago. I was in another realtionship for the next 3 years. I haven't seen him in over 2 years. Yet I think about him everyday. I can barely listen to any song without thinking of him. Maybe I'm reminded of us listening to it, or may just make me think of us. Sometimes I listen to something and I wonder if he likes it too, or if it makes him think of me. I wonder if he ever thinks of me, or us at all. When I spoke to him last by phone, I told him I broke up with my boyfriend. He said he'd be there for me and was sorry it had been so long since we had talked. He said that it was hard for him to talk to me because he was in a depression for weeks after we talked. I told him I was sorry that it hurt him so much remembering us and it hurt me too. I told him that maybe if after 3 years of being apart if we still had such strong feelings for each other then maybe we made a mistake. I said maybe but it was nothing to rush into just something to think about. Six months later I moved home. It was Joe Cain day and I texted him I was in town. I didn't want to tell him I moved back yet.He didn't respond until two days later on Mardi Gras day. He said he wished me well in life and all the happiness in the world, but he never wanted to even talk to me again. It was the only way to move on. So I think of him still... no matter how hard I try not to. He loved me. I loved him. I think I still do. I was scared he would change his mind. Some people said we were too young. Love is best when your young. Now I'll never love again. I want to regret giving him up so badly, but i just can't. We were too young. I thought we would go our seperate ways for a while and he would grow up and stop depending on his parents so much, and I would learn not to lean on anyone too much and become more independant. I though a lot of things. I did learn how to get by without a man, although maybe i'm too independant now. I don't know if he changed. Now I'm too wild inside, sometimes I feel like life has me in a cage. I hope I never see him again. I dream about him all the time. I beg him to give me another chance. It's humilating even though it's just a dream. I'm ashamed I would beg him, especially after all he's done. Sometimes he wants me back... sometimes not. There are certain times I'm afraid to go somewhere, I don't want to see him or his friends. I've been home for over a year now and I haven't run into him, just sometimes one of his friends. One was very mean to me, and because of who it was it was unexpected. Another's first question to me was to ask me when he and I were getting back together. I told him that we were never getting back together because he doesn't even want to be my friend. If it weren't for everything I could move on.

a poem i wrote...

he haunts me in my dreams
how many times must my heart shatter
even though I act like it seems
that it doesn't even matter

I put on a show
for all the world to see
you think you know
but how can that be

I am a stranger
especially to me

I want him out of my brain
please give me the key
I'm sick of all the pain
it's the only way I can be free