Strangers Diary - Free Diary Online

For the past twenty years I have tried to live my life by what I refer to as the path of peace. A tad pretentious, I know, but I can't think of any other way to refer to it.

I try not to get angry at people, or to hate people, or to want to hurt people or to take revenge on people. To act with love in all things, or - if I can not manage love (and trust me, in some cases it is a lot harder than you might think) - then at least respect (or at the very least courtesy).

I am not going to say I always succeed, but generally my failures are with politicians. However, in that case, my hate and loathing comes from what they are doing to the people of this country, rather than being specifically aimed at the people in question.

I am also willing to admit there is one person who I find it totally impossible to follow this path with - a guy I used to work with. But in my defence, no one else liked him, and he really was a nasty, vile, evil little man.

But, on the whole, ever since my sister died, I have endeavoured to go through the world motivated by peace and love, rather than loathing and hate.

However I would be willing to spend the rest of eternity in Shepherd Book's "special hell" in exchange for fifteen minutes of being able to lecture Them at will. Being able to say what I want to say, being able to tell them exactly what I think of their behaviour, and of the way they treat her. To tell them how crappy they, and how only truly appalling people (who really do deserve to go to that special hell) would do what they do on a regular basis.

But then I take a deep breath, count to ten, imagine I am Link, riding Epona across Hyrule Field, and then let it pass.

Until the next time. Because, if there's one thing I have learned, it's that there will be a next time.

My birthday is coming up soon, and - for maybe the first time in my life - I have actively chosen to spend it with my beloved Dulcinea, rather than my family.

Is this related to my brother? Or is it because I am unwilling to stand up to my parents over certain things?

While I am not that good at predicting the future, I think they would have chosen a restaurant that I don't really like all that much. But as little as I like it, I like the idea of saying no to my parents even less.

However, while not saying no to my parents is possibly a part of my decision, I think that the main part of it is wanting to spend my birthday with Dulcinea, and having her all to myself.

It's not that my family dislike her - quite the opposite - but given the time we get to spend together is usually short, I want to spend as much time with her myself as possible. And while it might seem a tad selfish, I would much rather spend my birthday with her than we her and my family.

The side effect of getting to go to the restaurant I want (and that my Dulcinea likes) is just an added bonus.

While I realise that not everyone was brought up the way I was, and that not everyone reads as much as I do, there are some things in this world that really do make me want to cry.

The most recent of these was someone who was comparing Harry Potter to Lord of The Rings to Star Wars, and bemoaning the fact that Lord Of The Rings now seemed to be going the same way as Star Wars, because they had released a prequel film as an attempt to cash in on the success of the original trilogy.

I suppose, from a certain point of view, this is not a serious problem, but honestly - it really pissed me off. Simply because it is clear the person doing the bemoaning has no idea about what s/he is talking about, and hasn't bothered even looking it up.

And if they are willing to speak with such authority and distaste about a topic as small and insignificant as which book came first, then I can't imagine if they are talking about other things (government policy, race relations, war in the Middle East, gay rights, etc, etc, etc) then they are going to do any more research before opening their mouths.

The Hobbit - 1937. Its commercial success prompted a request for a sequel, which turned out to be Lord of The Rings in 1955.

I am starting to wonder if I am starting to lose my compassion in my old age (not that I am that old, but I am older than I once was).

This isn't something I wonder about a lot, but after seeing some of the newspaper headlines, and some of the stories on the news, my initial response was one of sympathy and compassion for the people involved, but also a desire to find them and slap them across the face for being such utter drama-queens and for having no sense of perspective.

I suppose I should possibly make allowances for the situation - they had just been through a pretty terrible ordeal, and it is possible their judgement and perspective might have been skewed by that.

And of course there is, generally speaking, a thrill to getting your face in the paper, or your story on the news. And so it might be tempting to over tell your story a little, and add some dramatic flair.

And maybe, in a few weeks time, they'll look back on what they said, and how they presented it, and maybe feel a tad embarrassed.

But right now, I still want to slap them.

I'm a true Melcholy temperament

There are times when my promise and resolve not to hate anyone is tested to a very severe degree, and when what I really want to do is find them, beat the snot out of them and tell them what utter bastards they are.

i think it is the condescension that hurts me the most. you would think being kicked out of your house on christmas day by your parents would hurt, but that's something i have gotten used to over the last few years.

no. it's the sound of their voices when i phone up to ask about the next time. when i ask about going over to watch the game, they tell me they'll be out of town. or that they aren't going to watch it this week as they have church.

they never go out of town and though they are regular church goers they dont go on a saturday afternoon.

just once i'd like some honesty from them. that instead of fobbing me off with excuses and stories they know i won't believe, they tell me that they just don't want me around.

at least then i could be sure. instead of just thinking it might just be my imagination and that it might be my fault.

it would just be nice to know.

The one quote I missed out from my last post is possibly the one that has affected me more than any other, and one that has changed my outlook more than any other.

I am fairly sure it was not original, even in the first place I heard it, and I have heard it echoed in various other places as well - "Perfect Situations" (a Harry Potter/Daphne Greengrass Fanfiction) is a good example of where it is used to convey a point, and I have to admit I tend to quote it in the majority of fanfic stories I write.

Also a scene in Babylon 5, during Londo's "long dark night", where Dream!G'Kar confronts him about his behaviour on Centauri Prime under Cartagia's Rule.

But the first place I heard it was "V" - the original series, not the new version (which I should get round to watching at some point, even though I have a suspicion it is going to be a pale shadow of the original).

It is first used by a man named Abraham Bernstein - a man who watched his wife die in the Concentration Camps - when he explains to his son Stanley why they have to help people who are being persecuted by The Visitors.

It is used again - for the final time - when Stanley explains the same thing to his wife, following the death of his father.

While I am not usually one for overly sentimental writing, the passion and conviction written into the two scenes is remarkable, and the acting by Leonardo Cimino, Bonnie Bartlett and George Morfogen is really quite impressive. And although that doesn't relate directly to the sentiment and the idea involved, it did help imprint the idea in my head when I was quite young.

Incidentally, this is (as far as I can remember) one of the very, very few times that an idea has come from a TV show, as opposed to an idea I already had being expressed by a TV show (if that makes sense).

"Your mother, auv shalom... your mother didn't have a heart attack in the boxcar. She made it with me, to the camp. I can still see her, standing naked in the freezing cold. Her beautiful black hair was gone. They'd shaved her head. I can still see her waving to me, as they marched her off with the others to the showers - the showers with no water. Perhaps, if somebody had given us a place to hide... don't you see, Stanley? They have to stay. Or else, we haven't learned a thing!"

"My dear family: It's painful knowing that I'll not see your faces anymore. But I must take this stand for what I know is right. You may think that an old man wouldn't be afraid to die, but this old man is very frightened. I'm hoping that I'll find a little of your mother's dignity and strength. So far, I'm as frightened as a child who fears the dark. But we must fight the darkness that is threatening to engulf us. Each of us must be a ray of hope and do our part and join with the others till we've become a blinding light, triumphant over darkness. Until that task is accomplished, life will have no meaning. More than anything, you must remember which side you're on and fight for it. You mother and I will march beside you, holding hands again. We'll sing your song of victory. You'll feel us in your hearts. Our spirits will be with you always. And our love.

We have to help, or else we won't have learned a thing."

There are a lot of things wrong in the world today. Some are very small - like the fact it's raining and the weather is quite bad - and some are pretty big - the massacres in Syria, the famine in most of the world, the general level of evil and wickedness pervading the world we inhabit.

However there are not of a lot of things I can directly influence. While I might want to stop the massacres in Syria, there isn't much I can do about it, because I am not a soldier (and even if I was, I am unlikely to be sent there since our government doesn't appear to care about the life of the average Syrian).

Equally, my single voice is unlikely to change the actions of our government over any number of things I disagree with it on. Such as VAT, university fees, rail fares, the NHS, international policy and so forth. Because while the idea of democracy is a good one - everyone has a voice, there is nothing to guarantee that every voice will be listened to all the time, and that every voice will be listened to at all.

However, the idea that I can just stand by and let these things - these abominations - happen without saying something just goes against my most ingrained nature.

Some of what the government is doing might be necessary, but there are a lot of things that are just down right wrong. And it is important that everyone who thinks so should say so, as loud and as often as possible.

Otherwise - if we just stand by and let them happen, if we watch the massive NHS sell off and say nothing, if we watch the future education of our children be turned in to a playground of the rich and say nothing, if we let the people in charge do what they want and say nothing, then we might as well be up there helping them.

Evil, in whatever shape or form it comes, must be fought, opposed and stopped. So whether we fight them on the beaches, or fight them on the bulletin boards, all that matters is we fight.

Because if we don't - if we don't try to stop what we know to be wrong - then we really haven't learned a thing.

Christmas went pretty well in regard to my family.

There were a few mild arguments, but these were actually arguments about opposing views on things, not about how stupid I am, so they were not as annoying as they could be.

This isn't the end of it, of course. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks or so, and a few birthdays after that.

However the thing about Christmas, that wasn't wasn't true about the previous two visits, was that *she* was there. While I don't see her very often (although, after the visit to the doc's this morning, it should be slightly more often than over the last few months), she was able to arrange to come down for Christmas, which perhaps was the reason Baby Brother behaved himself.

She'll be down again for my birthday, which is nice (not my birthday itself, but the fact she will be here to share it with me), and maybe that will prevent any more arguments.

But then.... oh I don't know. I guess we shall see what we shall see.

So my last entry left me feeling somewhat melancholy, so I have to do something to break that feeling. Christmas is not a time for feeling sad, especially when - in less than 48 hours, I will see my beloved.

So, for possibly my last entry of the year, I will do something relatively inspirational - well, inspirational for me.

Quotes, from various sources, that detail my philosophy in life.

These aren't quotes that have formed my philosophy, just quotes that explain it. Quotes I have picked up during my long and happy life, from various books, shows, plays and films. And, very occasionally, people.

"Forgive those who harm you, do good for those who hate - forgive if not forget, I know it's not too late"

If someone wrongs you, it is very easy to let your desire for revenge consume your life. Hate becomes the focus of your life - if you are thinking about your revenge, about what you can do to the person who wronged you - then hate becomes all you are, and the one person you hate is the one person who becomes most important in your life.

And who wants that? If there is someone you loathe so much, you should just let it go and cut them out of your life. Abandon your desire for revenge and move on. Don't forget what they did, but don't let it be the focus of your life.

"You don't fight for peace, you fight for civilization"

You can not bring about peace by using violence. As a wise man once said, violence begets violence, increasing the volume of darkness in the world until darkness is all that remains.

Peace doesn't come from fighting - it comes from not fighting. From choosing to put your sword down as opposed to using it. If you solve your problems with violence - with force - then you will inevitably upset someone. And that someone will get a bigger sword and use it on you.

Peace comes from civilization - from people finding a reason to work together, as opposed to working against each other. From people finding a reason to talk, instead of argue. From finding a reason to love, instead of hate.

And from cooperation and mutual respect, you get the peace you want.

"There is no good or evil, just power and those too weak to use it"

Using one of the most disingenuous quotes from one of the most heinous characters in fiction might seem an odd choice, but the crux of what Lord Voldemort says is true - the vast majority of things in the world are neither good nor evil. They are (to borrow another phrase) "heaven neutral" - they don't belong to God or Satan, but to themselves.

The only thing this doesn't tend to apply to is people themselves. While it is very rare to find them, there are some people who are truly evil. And there are some people who are truly good. Sadly, it seems to be the way of the world that the truly evil are more common than the truly good - although that could just be the effect of the media in this country. Stories about murderers, paedophiles, torturers and so on make for better sales than stories about people who save puppies.

But almost everything else - technology, religion, words, concepts, guns, cars and chemicals - is entirely neutral, and can be used for good (heart scanners, charity, love poems) or evil (nuclear weapons, Inquisitions, hate crimes) depending on who uses them.

Only things with intelligence can have morals or chose to ignore them. Anything else is just a tool.

"Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito?"

I have no problem with the concept of a being greater than we can understand. All of history supports this idea - if we took a torch and showed it to our distant ancestors, they would consider us as gods.

What I do have a problem with is the idea that this being is benevolent and loving, because - while all of history supports the idea of a greater being, it doesn't support the idea that this being is benevolent and loving.

"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do"

We are each here for a limited time. Once in a generation - maybe even less than that - there is someone who will change the course of history (either for good or for ill), but most of the time, we are born, we live and we die, and have no real impact on the greater world.

But that doesn't mean our lives have no meaning. While we might not be able to alter the big wide world, we can change our world - the world we inhabit, the world we exist in.

I interact with maybe a dozen different people every day. Back in the past that was upward of two or three hundred people a day, because I had a job where I worked with a large number of members of the public at once.

If I can make the life of even one of those people better, if only for a day, then I would consider my time well spent. Because that is about the best I can hope to make of my life. Or, if I am honest, if I don't make anyone's life worse, I am also doing quite well!

Very little of what I do will have a long term impact on the world, so all I can hope to do is do the best I can to leave as much of the world as I can a better place than it was when I came in to it.

"The Greater Good" (as defined by "Hot Fuzz")

The idea that you can do good by doing evil is just utter nonsense - the wrong thing done for the right reason is still the wrong thing.

And the idea that abusing a single individual serves the best interests of society is equally laughable - a society is just a collection of individuals, and if you abuse one for the good of the rest, how long will it be before you abuse the majority for the good of the few.

By the same token, the needs of the many do not outweigh the needs of the one, because the many is just a group of ones.

Well - surprisingly, that has worked. I am no longer feeling as sad as I was (although, since I just sat through The Wedding of River Song, it might not just be writing this entry that cheered me up) and so I am off to bed.

I will continue this at a later date, since I have to admit, analysing and reviewing my most dearly held beliefs has lead me to question some of them, even to the point of modifying and rephrasing some of them. And a little self-retrosepction is never a bad thing, even if it is not exactly a real word.