Strangers Diary - Free Diary Online

It's been said that if you're not surrounded by people that encourage you, accept you as you are, and celebrate you, then you should go elsewhere to find that for yourself. But what if those people are your family, the people that are supposed to unconditionally love you?

My favorite place in the world. Jon's bed. Even when him and i were just bullshitting around I loved that bed. How the sheets felt across my naked body with the breeze from the window. Omg i loved that feeling especially waking up next to him is perfection. But now i look at that bed and see that naked girl and her cheap 5 for $25 victoria secret thong. I really don't think shes attractive and would NEVER be threatened by her under different circumstances but i am because of how he looks at those pictures as art and something so beautiful. Like what am i? A fun fuck? I'm your girlfriend. Why don't you want to take my picture? I get it. You're an artist. Naked women = art. But on the bed we sleep in you have to photograph some chick? With her flat tits and flat ass. Like why don't you wanna take my picture? I can't stop asking myself that question. What is so great about her? My whole life i've been viewed as "the bad girl" with "bad thoughts." I'm the wild child. The kinky one. And now my boyfriend looks at me like some innocent angel. I hate it. I'm not that girl. I'm a sexual being and i'm extremely offended that you won't take my picture or want to video tape us while we have sex. You don't look at me like art. This is killing my self esteem. He thinks he's suffering by having to listen to me? He only hears what i say out loud I hear that and every single thought inside my head. It drives me crazy. I'm not that girl to even be threatened by other girls but these pictures make my stomach curl and you immediately become unattractive to me. Of course i sit here and wait for him like some dumb broad. I seem to write most of my entries within this time period. I need a job. Something to keep me busy. Staying home waiting for him makes my head spin. Idk how housewives do it. I would have to work. This is bullshit. Does that turn you on? You say it doesn't but there's gotta be a reason why you won't delete the pictures. You offered to delete them. I told you forget it. I was stupid I should have let u delete them. I hate them. They mock me. Every time I look at them it's like that girl is laughing in my face. Oh my god i hate this relationship. It drives me crazy I've never felt so low in self esteem my whole life. I guess it's because i always dated men i knew i was better then but Jon is like my equal. We have the same mind set. That's what scares me. Sometimes i dont see the harm in kissing someone if I go on a vacation or something but like if he ever did that i'd be crushed. I need more activities in my day...

I do believe today is a better day.
I woke up next to a guy who says he loves me.
When he told me, I couldn't help but grin.
I was really happy it was dark and he couldn't see my face.
Because I was seriously grinning like an idiot.

Fuck you, Mike. Fuck you for being all over the map with me. Fuck you for wanting something you can't have. Fuck you for making me want something I can't have.

Fuck you, Husband. Fuck you for your lip service gratitude and your arrogance. Fuck you for being overly needy and ungrateful and treating me like someone who has to be tolerated.

I'm off on bike to my local downtown area with six dollar bills in my wallet and 4 dollars in quarters in my pocket. I have one Marlboro 27 left in my pack and my sweetest damn love nicotine has compelled me to take up this adventure. I'll probably have to buy Bugler blue, sigh. Poor/Artist/Musician was such a good career choice. But for me, there was nowhere else left to go.

I love you.

Today I fell in love with a boy, but I am not sure he even notices I'm interested. Sometimes I wonder if I should just say it out loud just to test it out.

Would he run?

I hope not. Because if he runs, my heart would definitely break.

Why is love so confusing?

He works later and later everyday. sometimes i wonder if he is really working. There was a week of bliss and now I feel invisible again. what ever.

My boyfriend and I broke up after 4 years and that's the good news. But the one I want is out of reach, he hasn't spoken to me since the end of January, he just stops talking to me, I don't know why, I never will. I only know that I want to see him, I want to feel him I want to hear his voice again. Sadly, it's been over a year since I saw him last, we chat once in a while when he pops up and deigns to speak to me and the conversations always get us both really worked up but then he disappears for months on end.

I should let it go, just forget it but I can't seem to let it go because it feels unfinished, anyone who gets under my skin the way he does is there for a reason and for my selfish reasons I want to see him again just to see what's there or isn't because right now all I have is my imagination based on our conversations.

I want to show up on his doorstep and demand an audience - but I can't, I really don't want to be the stalker I am - thankfully he lives 3500 miles away so I can't just drop by.

What to do? It's the misery of the opportunity.

dear diary,

i've become more and more attached to this person on twitter who lives in a different continent. no-one's mentioned love yet, but we've been talking "what ifs" a whole lot. im not seeing anyone at the moment and this kid - did i mention he's 11 years younger? - seems to make me smile whenever i receive a DM from him. this flirtation has been going on for about a month now but it's never left the twitter DM realm. no mention of adding each other on FB or even chatting on Y!M. i guess we both would rather maintain the fantasy and not let it get too real. but somehow things are getting more and more involving. the flirting seems to feel more like caring now. but i know myself and i know i will end up waist-deep in something imaginary struggling to pull myself out when we both (or one of us) comes to. its fun and it does kinda feel like there's a possibility. yeah, a 1 in 10,000 chance we would even meet in person.