Strangers Diary - Free Diary Online

This time last year, I was suicidal because I didn't have a job. And this year, I became suicidal over the job I got. Some people may think, after reading that sentence, that I just can't catch a break. But, to me, quitting something that is no longer satisfying to the life path I'm on is empowering. It feels good to know what I want out of life, and that I will answer to my heart first--at all costs.

When people laugh at me, I have to take a lot of time and mental energy to convince myself not to take my own life. I face this constant battle on the regular, and I am grateful that I am alive and still fighting.

It feels good to write, even if your writing is filled with self-loathing, even if no one will see it, and even if you think you have no real reason to write. Get it all out, empty your brain, you'll feel better. I just did it. I can breathe easy for a little while now. I feel like a fighter that lives to survive another day. So by all means, write. Write like the wind.

My heroes are changing & I haven't changed enough to keep up. I may need some new heroes here soon. Or, maybe I need to stir up some change.

Practice yoga
Become a vegetarian
Stop playing capoeira
Quit school
Stop playing music

These are things I told myself that I will never do, and yet, I've done all of them. The things that I didn't want to define me when I was little actually shaped me. It has all been one huge disappointment.

But hey, I also said to myself that I will never move out of my parent's house, find something I love doing, succeed, follow through with anything, travel the world, be happy, or finally be content with myself.

Here's to hoping that the pattern works out.

It's been said that if you're not surrounded by people that encourage you, accept you as you are, and celebrate you, then you should go elsewhere to find that for yourself. But what if those people are your family, the people that are supposed to unconditionally love you?