Strangers Diary - Free Diary Online

3-13-11

you know what i dont get? I spent my whole spring semester obsessing over you. Not even that, i would get drunk in the summer and actually miss you. I've given you chance after chance to try and actually make the relationship between us work and what do u do? Toss me to the side like garbage and go right back to your ex fucking girlfriend. Now that i'm moved on and in the best relationship i've ever been in you wanna come back and say you think we belong together? Are you fucking kidding me? The only times i think i actually wanted mike this past year was when Jon and I were first dating and if he wasnt around or was being sketchy i'd call mike up. I even gave mike another chance to be in a relationship WHILE dating jon in like october. He still managed to fuck that up. So guess what douchebag? You lose. I win.

They say that people don't know what they have till its gone or that people always want what they can't have. When it comes to past relationships when can we really decide if that relationship belongs in the past? Mike thinks i'm the one he's supposed to be with but when i was with him he didn't want me at all. Has he really changed or is this another drunken obscenity? Don't get me wrong I know how i feel. I absolutely love Jon. If he were to propose tomorrow i'd say yes and never look back. He was the first person to show me what real love was without the game playing. He showed me that it could be easy to love someone if you just find the right person. Mike was nothing but an impossible to read card. He wanted me when it was convenient and the minute shit got hard he gave up! Why is it that when he sees me happy and moved on he has to personally attack me and my relationship and not only that but insult my boyfriend.

However, on the flip side, what if i'm putting too much into Jon? He tells me he sees a future with me. A future involving marriage, kids, and growing old together. I believe him cause i know we both feel the same way. But who's to say that one day he's gonna wake up and not feel that way anymore and i'm left picking up the pieces to my life that he completely shattered in an instant. They say to never put all your eggs in 1 basket, but looking back, I never was able to keep a single egg in the basket because i never longed for commitment with any man. I went from random hook ups on a weekly basis to this huge relationship where marriage could be just around the corner. We're already gonna live together for the entire summer and i guess that will put our relationship compatibility to the test. I'm giving up a lot for him and i'll never tell him that or throw it in my face because it's my choice, but i'm 19 years old and a 19 year old girl should be focused on school and partying not getting married or having kids. Then again Jon is 27...he's probably ready to start his life and get on with that shit. So in order for us to work I had to make the sacrifice to put my partying on hold for a little. And i'm completely okay with that! I'm living a healthier lifestyle, i loook better, i feel better and my grades have improved. I just don't want to give that all up and then regret it because he decided to dump me for a 19 year old when i'm 24. I'll never put my guard down fully. I'm sorry maybe one day i will but even though i love jon and want to be with him forever I'll never fully let him have all of me because i still need a part of me thats just mine that i can fall back on if this relationship decides to end. I still need to be strong for myself before anyone else.