A Strangers Diary

The Ex Files | Post by Stranger #204

3-13-11

you know what i dont get? I spent my whole spring semester obsessing over you. Not even that, i would get drunk in the summer and actually miss you. I've given you chance after chance to try and actually make the relationship between us work and what do u do? Toss me to the side like garbage and go right back to your ex fucking girlfriend. Now that i'm moved on and in the best relationship i've ever been in you wanna come back and say you think we belong together? Are you fucking kidding me? The only times i think i actually wanted mike this past year was when Jon and I were first dating and if he wasnt around or was being sketchy i'd call mike up. I even gave mike another chance to be in a relationship WHILE dating jon in like october. He still managed to fuck that up. So guess what douchebag? You lose. I win.

They say that people don't know what they have till its gone or that people always want what they can't have. When it comes to past relationships when can we really decide if that relationship belongs in the past? Mike thinks i'm the one he's supposed to be with but when i was with him he didn't want me at all. Has he really changed or is this another drunken obscenity? Don't get me wrong I know how i feel. I absolutely love Jon. If he were to propose tomorrow i'd say yes and never look back. He was the first person to show me what real love was without the game playing. He showed me that it could be easy to love someone if you just find the right person. Mike was nothing but an impossible to read card. He wanted me when it was convenient and the minute shit got hard he gave up! Why is it that when he sees me happy and moved on he has to personally attack me and my relationship and not only that but insult my boyfriend.

However, on the flip side, what if i'm putting too much into Jon? He tells me he sees a future with me. A future involving marriage, kids, and growing old together. I believe him cause i know we both feel the same way. But who's to say that one day he's gonna wake up and not feel that way anymore and i'm left picking up the pieces to my life that he completely shattered in an instant. They say to never put all your eggs in 1 basket, but looking back, I never was able to keep a single egg in the basket because i never longed for commitment with any man. I went from random hook ups on a weekly basis to this huge relationship where marriage could be just around the corner. We're already gonna live together for the entire summer and i guess that will put our relationship compatibility to the test. I'm giving up a lot for him and i'll never tell him that or throw it in my face because it's my choice, but i'm 19 years old and a 19 year old girl should be focused on school and partying not getting married or having kids. Then again Jon is 27...he's probably ready to start his life and get on with that shit. So in order for us to work I had to make the sacrifice to put my partying on hold for a little. And i'm completely okay with that! I'm living a healthier lifestyle, i loook better, i feel better and my grades have improved. I just don't want to give that all up and then regret it because he decided to dump me for a 19 year old when i'm 24. I'll never put my guard down fully. I'm sorry maybe one day i will but even though i love jon and want to be with him forever I'll never fully let him have all of me because i still need a part of me thats just mine that i can fall back on if this relationship decides to end. I still need to be strong for myself before anyone else.

Mushy Gushy Bullshit | Post by Stranger #204

Is it real love? I feel like that is the million dollar question for everyone in a serious relationship.
Like is this it? How do you know if something could be better than this or is it that when you meet the right person there is no better, you've found perfection. I'm 19 years old? What could I possibly know who i want to spend the rest of my life with when I'm not even friends with the same people I was friends with 3 months ago.
I met Jon in July. He wasn't my type, I barely noticed him when I walked into the tattoo shop where he worked at the time. I sat in his chair backwards so he could give me my first tattoo on my lower lower back. It didn't hurt and only took about 25 minutes considering the size, but through out those minutes I kept receiving these arousing looks from Jon in the mirror. Being the player that i am (always keeping it smooth haha) couldn't help but smirk and kinda smile back. I mean i knew that most men found my ass very attractive considering the size for such a little girl, but Jon was immediately seduced. After finishing the tattoo i went outside to smoke a cigarette while Jon and my friends discussed me inside. Once we finished we were all leaving the place and paying when "Tat Boy" came over and asked for my number. I rolled my eyes but figured what the hell it could be a sweet booty call for late drunken nights at school? The kid was sexy not gonna lie. I'm a sucker for Latin men.
We agreed to hang out one night and it was evident that we were both there to hopefully get some action. We bullshitted for about 2 hours until we got down to business and it was amazing. The sex was like both of us had finally found someone who can appreciate and feel these amazing sensations of pleasure in so many ways. I was immediately in lust. I craved that sex. Next time we met, my parents were out of town and i decided to have him over. Once again the sex was incredible. We really started enjoying this. Once i moved to NY the rest was history we started seeing each other more regularly and those feelings of lust turned into a sort of friendship which eventually turned into love.
Do i think he's the one? Sometimes, I really do. I think about the life we could have together, how beautiful our kids would be. I wonder what they'd be like? I always wonder what it would be like to live together and share a home and a family and i guess our lives. It just scares me when things get hard cause then I think maybe this isn't the right guy. And i'm forcing myself to believe it because it became comfortable? How do you know what constitutes "normal" fighting in a relationship? We can clearly see unhealthy relationships when we're looking at it from the outside but when it involves you and your feelings how can you really know for sure? I love my boyfriend very much, I always appreciated that we were so compatible and didn't fight and lately i feel like that's all we can do. We'll have a good day then a bad one then a good one like I think that's an unhealthy pattern. I wanna make things work but when does it cross the line between being desperate or just trying to compromise so the fighting can end? I wanna be a good girlfriend you know? I wanna make my man happy and i know he wants to make me happy but some things get to me and my anger builds up so bad that I can't control it. I get anxiety attacks and it physically makes me crazy. Idk how to handle it.

Waking Up On The Wrong...Bed? | Post by Stranger #204

My favorite place in the world. Jon's bed. Even when him and i were just bullshitting around I loved that bed. How the sheets felt across my naked body with the breeze from the window. Omg i loved that feeling especially waking up next to him is perfection. But now i look at that bed and see that naked girl and her cheap 5 for $25 victoria secret thong. I really don't think shes attractive and would NEVER be threatened by her under different circumstances but i am because of how he looks at those pictures as art and something so beautiful. Like what am i? A fun fuck? I'm your girlfriend. Why don't you want to take my picture? I get it. You're an artist. Naked women = art. But on the bed we sleep in you have to photograph some chick? With her flat tits and flat ass. Like why don't you wanna take my picture? I can't stop asking myself that question. What is so great about her? My whole life i've been viewed as "the bad girl" with "bad thoughts." I'm the wild child. The kinky one. And now my boyfriend looks at me like some innocent angel. I hate it. I'm not that girl. I'm a sexual being and i'm extremely offended that you won't take my picture or want to video tape us while we have sex. You don't look at me like art. This is killing my self esteem. He thinks he's suffering by having to listen to me? He only hears what i say out loud I hear that and every single thought inside my head. It drives me crazy. I'm not that girl to even be threatened by other girls but these pictures make my stomach curl and you immediately become unattractive to me. Of course i sit here and wait for him like some dumb broad. I seem to write most of my entries within this time period. I need a job. Something to keep me busy. Staying home waiting for him makes my head spin. Idk how housewives do it. I would have to work. This is bullshit. Does that turn you on? You say it doesn't but there's gotta be a reason why you won't delete the pictures. You offered to delete them. I told you forget it. I was stupid I should have let u delete them. I hate them. They mock me. Every time I look at them it's like that girl is laughing in my face. Oh my god i hate this relationship. It drives me crazy I've never felt so low in self esteem my whole life. I guess it's because i always dated men i knew i was better then but Jon is like my equal. We have the same mind set. That's what scares me. Sometimes i dont see the harm in kissing someone if I go on a vacation or something but like if he ever did that i'd be crushed. I need more activities in my day...